Showers: Wedding and Baby

As far as parties go, I don't think there's anything more boring than a Baby Shower or Wedding Shower.
This whole tradition has morphed into written invitations, renting a venue, catering the gig, and of course, buying the gift:  it's kind of crazy. Hallmark set the Standard years ago: let's use this momentous occasion to eek out as much cash as we can, in the name of Love.

Don't get me wrong. I think it's lovely to give someone a gift when he/she is getting married or having a baby. But why do large groups of women have to be corralled into a restaurant or someone's too small living room, and watch for what seems like a freaking eternity while the guest of honor opens every single present? And you can't tell me that everyone's not thinking the same thing: is my gift big/cool/unique enough, compared to all those others? 

And when that many women (and let's face it, it's almost exclusively women, because women have always been the Gatherers, while the Hunters are obviously allowed to stay home, hunting for TV shows) get together in one room, other comparisons are palpable. Oh come on, you don't think other women are looking you over to see what you're wearing, how high your heels are, and why in God's name you are wearing your hair like that...

Get serious. I've seen The Glance, and so have you. The quick uptoyourheadthendowntoyourshoes glance that lasts a nano second. The visual equivalent of an airport metal detector, or the pat down in Women's Prison. (Maybe I'm overly sensitive because at the last shower I attended, my 97 year old aunt leaned over and whispered, "We're the only ones in the room with gray hair". Or maybe I've just binge watched too many episodes of Orange is the New Black.)

But I digress.

So yes, people should get gifts when they get married, or have babies: they are certainly Gift Appropriate Occasions, as they both mark happy days and sleepless nights: major lifestyle changes. But come on: just give them the gift already! Have a party, too, if you want, but don't make us sit there while you open every stinkin gift. Play music, serve lots of wine, and we won't get bored, we'll have loads of fun.

And if we get The Glance, we'll give it right the hell back.