Stupid Stuff I Really Don't Get

     There are some things in this world that I really love. The fact that my 93 year old Aunt Babe got an XOXO tattoo on her wrist, that's one; that my 97 year old Aunt Lal (her sister), can still beat the pants off me in Scrabble, that's two. And, natch, there are things I absolutely hate, but I have neither the time nor the inclination to tackle them now; too depressing, and I'll watch the News if I want to be depressed. (Ebola Crisis, my ass: isn't it amazing that we Americans are all up in arms about Ebola only now, after it has flown across The Big Water, and landed deep in the heart of Texas? Why weren't we in crisis mode when it started killing people in Africa? I have this mental picture of Lady Liberty in a hazmat suit, holding a disclaimer instead of her tablet:

 "Yeah, you can still give me your tired and your poor, your huddled masses; just no 'bola, please."  

     But the really strange things in the world, the stupid stuff that makes no sense to me, are the things that make me cock my head to the side and rapidly blink: Why, I ask? What's THAT about?

     It's somewhat akin to my darling new dachshund, watching me work the $27.99 Pooper Scooper, picking up what she just lovingly deposited on the ground, and all the while I'm smiling and nodding and saying in a maniacal, Frankie Valli falsetto, "Good Girl to go out, YES, we go out, we're a good girl, yes we are, yes, yes!!!". She cocks her head. She Just. Doesn't. Get it. And so I've written a very short list of Stupid Stuff I Really Don't Get. Here it is. Feel free to cock your head to the side as you read:

    1. Soft Close Drawers. Why did someone take the time to invent this?  I would be personally very sorry if I no longer felt the great satisfaction that comes with a good drawer slam when I'm annoyed at someone I'm married to. You just don't get the drama with a soft close.
   
     2. Nostril Piercing. I'm sure this is the height of Cool, but why would someone subject their poor nostril to that? I actually can't look at that situation without tears forming in my eyes, in sympathy for the nostril. And how the hell does a person blow their nose without tears forming in their own eyes? Doesn't their tissue get all jammed up on the ring/jewel/beady thing? I know mine would, and I'd have a tiny piece of tissue hanging on the side of my nostril all day, and no one would tell me, and it'd be embarrassing, not Cool.
   
    3. Short-Sleeved Jackets. This phenomenon only occurs in women's clothes. Think about it: would you ever see a man's suit jacket with short sleeves? If you need to wear a jacket, ladies, it means you're chilly. Why would you buy one with only half a sleeve? It makes no sense.

     4. Extravagant Sides on Eyeglasses. There are glasses with loops and twirls, jewels, and even the designer's name in gold cursive: why would someone want to call that much attention to their temples? Remember: your temple's next-door neighbor is your crow's feet.

     5. Fake Vomit and Fake Poop. Seriously, I have never, ever, seen the humor here. But more than that, why would anyone want to pay good money for something fake, that every mother in the world gets to deal with every day-- for free?

     6. Hideously Horrible Halloween Costumes & Decor: I'll end this list with a nod toward the upcoming (so-called) holiday, Halloween, which I think (being a former teacher myself, so I can say it) was actually started by teachers long, long ago: the excitement and gaiety of September's Back To School Fun had already faded, and they, realizing that this was yet another year filled with the same old nonsense they put up with every year, thought up a day in October where they could wear crazy costumes and eat candy. Nowadays, however, it's not so much fun. Little Susie is dressed as a "dead cheerleader", and Mom takes the day off from work to come into school and help her put her "make-up" on, which mostly involves lots of fake blood. ( FYI, of course that means Mom can't take the day off next week to attend the Parent-Teacher Conferences...but we all have our priorities.)

     Lastly, (which is a fun word to write, almost as fun as the "neither/ nor" thing I had going in the first paragraph) why do some people decorate their homes with such pure sicko gruesomeness? The grisly front-porch scenes are so horrific, that real criminals can be seen sneaking right past. They're actually too afraid to break in, and these are real criminals, probably even Hardened Criminals.

     And I'll bet that as they cleverly side-step the fake poop, those real, hardened criminals will cock their heads to the side and blink rapidly because they, too, Just. Don't. Get it.