How Much Is That Doggie in the Window?

One 5 pound, black and tan, female mini dachshund: $800.00

One off-white crate, plus trip to return first crate (gray) which really didn't look good in the kitchen: $42.99
One super soft, comfy crate pad, off-white, to match the new crate: $15.99
Three fleece blankets to replace the off-white crate pad when the Dog chewed it up the first night: $45.00

Five different chew toys that squeak, made in USA, not China, because you really don't know what they put in their squeak toys: $ 35.00
Four "bully sticks", the only chew sticks that don't become lodged in the Dog's smaller-than-your-pinky finger esophagus, purchased after reading that squeaker toys are NOT SAFE, no matter what their country of origin: $29.00

One 20 pound bag of dog food that the Breeder suggested: $50.00
One 5 pound bag of all-natural, Much Better Dog Food that the nice man in the over-priced pet store insisted was the only type to insure that the Dog, well, grows normally: also $50.00

Three different types of "training treats", peanut butter, liver, and duck, so that God forbid the Dog doesn't get bored during the training process: $34.99

Five books with titles similar to Dachshunds For Dummies, all of which state the following: "The dachshund, and especially the mini dachshund, is one of the hardest dogs to train. House breaking this dog will kill you." (Or words to that effect.) $69.99

One package of paper towels: $14.99
(Repeat as needed.)
One container of Nature's Miracle Odor Neutralizer with Handy Sprayer for those Hard-to-Reach Spaces, like under the sofa where the Dog likes to hide and pee: $35.00
One package of "Training Pads", a.k.a. "Piddle Pads", for the days that the Dog refuses to squat outside due to the following weather conditions: rain, sleet, snow, fog, high humidity, and fairly brisk winds: $15.99
One roll of duct tape to secure the Piddle Pad to the floor so that the Dog stops running around with it in her teeth: $3.99

One Vet visit, with first check-up and shots: $145.00
(FYI: The Stool Sample requested by the Vet was no problem, as a small shit rolled right off the Piddle Pad when the Dog was running around the kitchen with the Pad in her teeth.)

Two extra-wide dog gates to confine the Dog in the kitchen: $210.00
A variety of suitcases, stools, and random pieces of wood to block off sections of both new gates, when it becomes instantly apparent that the Dog is small enough to squeeze between the bars of the new dog gates: free

One furtive, exploratory search on Google for Divorce Lawyers due to husband not helping enough: free

One case of wine, which will be helping me much, much more: priceless.