Chee Whiz

So this morning I went to Qi  (pronounced "chee") Gong (pronounced "gong") at my local library. I was late (natch), so I drove 70 miles an hour, trying to keep my head from exploding as I pulled into the parking lot on three wheels.

Why was I late? My biggest concern was my outfit: what does Grasshopper wear to Tai Chi/Qigong? I settled on black pull-on pants and what I like to think is my non-old-person t-shirt but translates into something from the 80's. I hoped I looked like Gloria Estefan in her Miami Sound Machine days. 

Not to worry:  as I walked into the building, I noticed the other gals ahead of me: lots of  pull-on pants, lots of sweatshirts with kittens frolicking on the fronts. I was definitely feeling cooler, but my jog/skip to catch up lessened that feeling exponentially.

The room was filled with gray haired women, all of them already sitting on their chairs. I, who had been jog/skipping to get there on time, was breathing so freaking stressfully, I couldn't be calmed down by a Jedi Master, much less Mr. Myagi. ("Use head for something other than target, Daniel.") And because the room was dimly lit (to protect the "chi", I guess, or just to keep the kittens quiet), I was squinting while still of course trying to smile: let's face it, I looked completely crazed.

"Pull yourself together, Grasshopper", I said, hopefully to myself. I took a chair from the back and sat down. The scraping and squeaking of the chair was horrifying.

"It is time to quiet ourselves and become The Turtle" intoned our group leader. "Quietly heal your mind for six minutes."

Now, I don't know if you've ever actually sat. still. for six minutes, but it is a long, long ass amount of time. I peeked at the gal next to me; she looked asleep. I tried to quiet my mind, but it kept talking. I peeked at the gal in front of me: seriously, where did she get a shirt that ugly? There was a man to the left; I believe he had actually passed out. I tried to think kind thoughts. I couldn't do it. I thought about writing this blog; that seemed so shallow, to use this lovely situation to write a snarky, sarcastic blog...

"Open your eyes, and breathe, breathe deeply. Now that we have healed our minds, we are ready to heal our bodies."

I knew I was doomed. We stood up, and proceeded to go through the 5 Qigong something or others that control/make up/bounce off our bodies. What the heck? I couldn't concentrate. I had no concept or left hand over the right, palm up, palm down, turn left, inhale, exhale. Basically I just tried to look very, very serene. I tried to look like a very, very serene turtle.

I tried to remember if I passed a Starbucks on the way here. I knew suddenly that I'd be playing some Miami Sound Machine on the way home, or maybe even going way back to ABBA...Chee whiz! I knew I was more of a Dancing Queen than a Grasshopper!  

"You can dance, you can jive, havin' the time of your liiiiiife...
 See that girl, watch that scene, digging the Dancing Queen..."