We're Havin' a Baby!

     No, not a real baby, silly: what the hell are you thinking? I'm 66 years old, and as maybe I've mentioned, one of my Edicts is  "Sex is For The Young." We're havin' a dog baby: a puppy, a mini dachshund puppy to be exact.

     Now, once upon a time, before I was married for the 2nd go-round, I'd made another Edict: "No More Men, No More Dogs." Then I met Jeffrey, and he swept me off my feet; or, as he likes to tell it, I flew by on my broom and he hopped on. (I knew there was a broom involved.) But after our last two dachshunds went to Doggie Heaven, (where they are, I'm sure, happily peeing and shitting on the floor, just like here on Earth) I held firm to a Partial Edict: "No More Dogs." That lasted about a month.

     I started looking at people with dogs like I look at supermodels: with undisguised jealousy, bordering on an eye-narrowing hatred. I really missed the snuggly, warm little body close to mine in bed (No, not Jeff; see Edict #1.) I did realize that we used a lot less paper towels, and the house smelled better. But we were missing something. A pooch. A hound. A weiner dog.

     Because for us, there is no other kind of dog.

     Oh, yeah, other dogs have all the great adjectives going for them: cute, protective, sweet, regal even. And if truth be told, lots of dogs are much more intelligent than a dachshund. But there is no other dog in the world that is funnier than a dachshund; no other dog will make you laugh as much. And that's just by standing still.

     So we read the books (Dog Training For Dummies was highly recommended by several people who know us well). We bought the crate, the food, and the outfits. (Oh come on; you didn't think there was going to be a mini dachshund without a skirt and matching hat, did you?) We'll get her in a few weeks: anticipation is running almost as high as when our grandchildren were born. (I said almost.) And yes, the puppy is a girl... her name will be Schotzie, which means "little treasure" in German.

     Hopefully we'll house-train this dog more successfully than the last two, who liked to leave "little treasures" on the rugs. (One of my dear aunts suggested that we go to "Dog Parenting Classes", so we don't "spoil" this dog. Wait: what?? How can we spend our money on Parenting Classes, when we're saving up for her piano lessons?)

     Not to mention how expensive a good Halloween Costume is these days at PetSmart.